*offers Batman cough drops*
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Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.