:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
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*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.