Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
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it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone