[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
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Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”