BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

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I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁


Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk


As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”


Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair


My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.


I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.


I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.


*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*