[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
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Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]