[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
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[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…