[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
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Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.