[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
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I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?