[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
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Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows