*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
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I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?