Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
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Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*