Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
You Might Also Like
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.