Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
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I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?