Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
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Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend