Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
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GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Follow me for more fitness tips.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.