Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
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*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
This was my dad’s browser history.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Good dog. ❤️
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.