OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
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Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong