Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
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My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.