Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
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If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Mad Max Arctic Road
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?