Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

[restaurant]

DATE: [clears throat]

ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

her: sugar?

me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?

her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?

lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.

me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.

*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?