Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
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I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Mornin
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.