@DocAtCDI

Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!

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@Mike__Lee

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

@hannystyles69

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?

@SteveSuckington

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

@OBiiieeee

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

@daddydoubts

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

@yung__spider

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

@hansabumsadaisy

Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?

Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.

#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning

@UnFitz

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp