Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
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*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
He is just living hist best little life 😊
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.