Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

date: I like to try new foods

me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.