Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
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Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.