officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
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Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.