@SCbchbum

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

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@sf14

Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”

@totincleveland

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

@Jenny4ashley

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”

@cornlog

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

@Shade510

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

@thefunnytweeter

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

@i_Lean

When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.

@cambuslad

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

@MsLisaM

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

@AbbyHasIssues

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.