Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
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5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
How do you like your Corgi?
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok