Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

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Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”


We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.


“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”


My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.


HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved


@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!


When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.


You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.


I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.


I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.