@Breadery

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

You Might Also Like

@redznar

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.

@Valdemort_Arg

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

@GDUB18T

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

@froghammer

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

@VaguelyFunnyDan

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

@MittenDAmour

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

@1followernodad

If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”

@impaulmccoy

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

@aparnapkin

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”