Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

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The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.


Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.


I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st


Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.


No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.


[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”


Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.