@briangaar

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

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@BuckyIsotope

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

@bmarked21

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

@a_simpl_man

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

@perlapell

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

@mdob11

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.

@david8hughes

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

@DALIA

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.