Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
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How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.