Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
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Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
pat pat
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”