Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
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so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
This squirrel eats better than I do
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Confused owl: What?!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.