[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
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ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Cashiers are always checking me out
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
How about daylight saves us for once