Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

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“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”


How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.


Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.


Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!

*points at baby*

Me: You gonna eat that?


At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.


ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse

FRIEND: “Eat” a horse

ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse

HORSE: [gives me a taco]


I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.


[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft


I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.