@pdxmoe

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

You Might Also Like

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Can I take a peak?

Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?

Me: *steals the top of a mountain*

@

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

@T_Bonezzz_

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

@GlennyRodge

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”

@CCRuns

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

@UncleDuke1969

“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”

@mommajessiec

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

@joeljeffrey

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

@cornax

The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.