OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
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[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I unironically love this joke.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.