“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
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[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
just witnessed a drug deal
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
a fate I wish upon no one
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.