“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
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“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
smartest karate player in the world
Usage Guidelines
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……