Oh boy, $150,000!
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You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.