“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
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the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?