Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
You Might Also Like
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
After 35, your body ages in dog years
choose your gary
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
two people or more is called a problem
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Oh boy, $150,000!
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension