OH. COME. ON.
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I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode