oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
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A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.