“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
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It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
wait.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Is your wife single?
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.