Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
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If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.