oh ffs josh did you not read the email
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If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.