@UncleDuke1969
@carlyken Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
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@carlyken 
@badbanana Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
@jonnysun FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
@weinerdog4life One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
@emsykay This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
@david8hughes My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
@AVenezuelan19 Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
@ShutUpThatsWho [first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
@Jane_Doe82 Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
@my_minivan_life Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.