@UncleDuke1969

oh ffs josh did you not read the email

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@carlyken

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

@badbanana

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

@jonnysun

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

@weinerdog4life

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

@emsykay

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

@david8hughes

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

@AVenezuelan19

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

@ShutUpThatsWho

[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

@Jane_Doe82

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

@my_minivan_life

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.