oh ffs josh did you not read the email

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Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*


Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?


FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”


One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV


This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.


My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.


Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?


[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*


Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING


Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.