oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
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Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u