@slimmy_shady

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

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@krissywillbretz

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

@mattsurely

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

@liljonlovitz

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

@ChaseMit

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

@thepunningman

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

@SufficientCharm

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

@WilliamAder

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

@SaraJBenincasa

My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.

@jjhartinger

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.