Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
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[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Oops
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
happy valentine’s day to me
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife