Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
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Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]