Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
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If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first