“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
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Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year