“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
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My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Very suspicious that this keeps happening