“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
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In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Them: You should try keto
Me: