Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
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“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
🙅🏻
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken