@joeldanger

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

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@MatCro

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

@birbigs

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

@tigersgoroooar

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

@benerdist

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

@runawaycupcake

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

@bewgtweets

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

@gvicks

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

@alli_win

I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.