“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
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Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!